The pessimist

I was watching a movie with a friend.  For me, the movie was just a video playing in the background. Nothing more than a series of images and sounds, Meaningless. For my mind, at that moment, was miles away, maybe lost in a completely different universe all together. Even if I tried I couldn’t have focused. I didn’t have the energy or the will to make sense of it. Nothing makes sense right now.

Sometimes  I wonder whether I will ever get to see life beyond Karachi. What if I never do? There is a heavy chance that I wont. All those images of the world abroad, would stay just that. Images. I’ll never know what a deserted beach In Thailand looks like. I’ll never know what it’s like to take a walk in New work Central park. I’ll never know how tall the Eiffel tower actually is.

Life would pass me by. I would be older with a job that I don’t really like, but it pays so whatever. I would have a husband that I married just because everyone  else was getting married and I thought that soon I would become too old to find a guy, so I just married. I would have kids that I never wanted to have in the first place. I would be wrinkled and fat. Maybe that day never comes where I look in the mirror at my naked body, and actually like what I see. I would be overburdened with responsibility. I would look back at these times and think how happy I was. People that I would have wanted to associate myself with would probably have left the country. It's a sinking ship.

Sex would become a chore. Nothing that I would look forward to, Nothing like I had fantasized as a young girl. It would be a dark room, with me and my husband, both of us exhausted after a long day’s work and on the verge of falling asleep any minute. One of us would probably be fantasizing about another person while the other preoccupied with tomorrow’s work schedule.  

Orgasms , for me, would become an urban legend, a myth or an idea reserved for novels and films.

I would continue to daydream like  I do right now, wondering what life would have been like in a different time, at a different place.