Because I got High

The experience that I am about to share is one about which I was uncertain whether I was going to be alive or not to share.

It started with me reaching my friend's apartment. Me and him were supposed to get high on hashish. I have had hashish 5-6 times before so he knew that I wasn't a noob, neither was he. He said that the guy he got it from told him that it was the best quality shit.

I sat on the bed. I relaxed. I started smoking the joint, slowly inhaling in the smoke, keeping it in my lungs for as long as I could and then exhaled it. I knew nothing much would happen except me feeling a little light headed. I knew that the whole 'High' is a worked-up, over-stated placebo effect that people experience because they THINK they are experiencing it. My friend only had a single puff. He said he would have it later.

So anyway, after I was done smoking the entire joint, I started having the sensation that you get when you havent slept for 3 days. Everything was spinning. My eyes were getting heavier. My friend was talking to me and I was talking to him but the voices sounded so distant as if they were coming from another room. I looked at my friend's face and I remember clearly looking into his eyes. Then I zoned out. It was as if I didnt exist anymore, like nothing existed. I entered a different dimension. I was struggling to remember what reality was. I asked myself what is real? I was looking at myself in the mirror, talking, saying my name, my age, where I live just to remind myself who I was or what reality was. It hit me that I was loosing my mind.This was no fucking placebo effect. I tried to sleep but i couldnt relax. I was having paranoid delusions that my friend might try and rape me. I wanted to cry but I knew it would freak him out. I began to puke and it felt like my insides were going to explode. I begged to be taken to the hospital. I just wanted to be sedated. I wanted it to stop. It was terrifying. I kept thinking whether I will ever get out of it. I thought about how I would never get to see the face of my friends and family members. But In the back of my mind I kept thinking IF i ever make it out of this alive, that would be a story to tell.

I dont know how I walked out of the apartment,how I went in the elevator and got in the car.  I just wanted to collapse on the floor . It was like I had left my body and was looking at it from somebody else's perspective. My friend drove me to the hospital. I remember laying on the hospital bed, I could hear voices of nurses and doctors. I could tell that they had this resentment against me. They thought I was an addict.  I wanted to tell them that I was sorry, I wasn't this kind of girl but I didnt have the energy to. Just telling them my name took up alot of effort. My phone rang and I remember that I couldnt even asnwer it, I forgot how to. They gave me oxygen through a nasal tube. I got several drips and injections but I didnt even feel the pain. My body had become numb even to such a powerful stimuli as physical pain. I heard the doctor say that there is no way she can have such a strong reaction to something like hashish if she has had it before. I wanted to call me parents. I didnt care about the consequences for in my world, I was dead already.

I woke up in the hospital bed at night feeling better. The doctors told me that I had had a heroine cigarette, a very potent one. I would have overdosed had I not come to the hospital.
My friend dropped me home. I came home and told my parents that I was really tired and went to bed straight ahead.
I woke up just now after 17 hours. I thought it was a dream but the scar and the pain where the cannula had been is a proof that it was real. My sleep was like passing out into nothingness. It was black and without any dreams. I always wanted a very unique experience, one that makes me look at life in a different way. I think I got more than I bargained for.

It feels like I died yesterday and came back to life. I dont know how to react to this. Should I be euphoric, embarrassed, apologetic, grateful , all of it or none of it? I can now understand why and how one becomes a heroine addict. The feeling is something completely out of this world., something one cant even conceive until one is actually in that position because one doesn't know that it is humanly possible to feel that way.